What do you take on a journey?  Depends on the journey.  Last Christmas we were unable to be together as a family.  We have two adult children, both married, one couple live near us, another in Sierra Leone.  However, there was a window of opportunity, grasped by my daughter’s husband.  He and my daughter were on route to Malaysia to a friend’s wedding and had a ten hour stopover in Paris.  Why didn’t we all meet up for lunch?  Eurostar was duly booked, and for the journey I packed croissants, cheese and jam (breakfast on the train); Christmas presents; Christmas musical crackers. Yes we did wear our Christmas hats in the restaurant to the bemusement of the other diners.

The gentleman who had packed the basket on the sand had one other thing he carried, a fishing rod and line, to fish in the sea.

For another type of journey we may only take who we are and who we believe in.

I look confident to other people, but I am the sort of person who can get knocked off my perch so easily. As soon as that happens then the voices begin. They say ‘I am no good’ that ‘I could never hope to finish what I have in my hands’ that ‘I might as well give up now’.

It happened the other day.  I was told that the project I have been working on for months was unlikely to proceed.  At that point I spiralled down into an abyss and agreed in my spirit it was probably best to stop.

But, I spoke to a friend who understood. That friend believed in me and believed in what I was doing. That friend thought of a way forward. Together we talked to God.  That night I slept fitfully.

The next morning I thought no, I will not give up. This is what I am supposed to be doing. I can do this. I will do this.  Somehow  iron had entered my soul. A fresh determination had filled my being and I spoke to the heavens. ‘No’ I said, ‘I will do this’.  I made a phone call. The iron in my soul transferred into another. Together we planned a pathway.

Arthur standing on the cliff-top in Tintagel has wind blowing through him. The elements are strong against him, yet still he stands. He is made of iron.

May I and you be built to withstand the storms.

May we refuse to give up.

May we say ‘No’ into the heavens and fight on.

May God put iron in our soul whatever cliff we might find ourselves upon.

FLOWERING CHERRY at The Finborough Theatre   ****

Nov 19 2015

This play was last produced in London over 50 years ago and Finborough have done it again and uncovered a gem of a play.  I realise I have loved a lot of Robert Bolt’s work, but had never seen or heard of this and was bowled over by the power of it last night. His first West End play no wonder it ran for well over 400 performances on its original showing at the Royal Court.

Apparently compared to Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman when it was originally produced in 1957 with Ralph Richardson and Celia Johnson playing Isobel and Jim Cherry.  Now played by Liam McKenna and Catherine Kanter who did a great job holding the whole piece together.  In this fine performance she was the typical 1950’s wife in her printed pinny, turning on a sixpence trying to hang onto her marriage to a fantasist.  Finally she calls his bluff and offers him everything he has dreamt of and his fear stops him, her need for self-preservation kicks in.

Jim is a man lost in a dream which is to buy a farm and grow apple trees.  He wants to try to recreate the place he grew up in.  He is caught up in a job as an insurance salesman which he purports to hate.   His life is filled with fantasy and posturing, bragging about giving in his notice, fuelling his life by the ever present barrel of scrumpy which he drinks constantly, augmenting it with gin.

His two children Judy and Tom only serve to highlight his failing life and his refusal to confront the reality of his condition.  His wife is a centre of morality, struggling to impart important values into her children, concerned all the while that they will stray and fail as human beings.   The daughter it seems has caught the fantasy of her father;  the son, self-aware and intelligent, recognises and sees his father.  His shattered respect for him makes him determined not to become like him and he yearns to leave, waiting anxiously for his call-up papers.

Jim, painfully for all, has no self-awareness. Frosty Isobel holds herself tightly throughout it all.    The children are pointedly exasperated at their parents.  I can imagine it would be difficult to relate to all these characters . Not so for me as, as my age,  it all had a ring of authenticity for that era.  Jim’s pointed descent into fantasy and self-delusion is at times excruciating and alienating.

I was delighted by the transformation of the Finborough space into a 50’s home, kitchen window and outside patio.  It seats about 50 and is a wonderfully intimate and exciting space.

I couldn’t help thinking of my own father who in 1957 would have been 33 with two young children and a new baby.   He was somewhat of a fantasist who had also become a salesman.  He believed he was chosen and destined for greater things.  He also, as so many did, drank too much.  But my father’s life was interrupted by the war.  He was indeed destined for much and his greatest love was music and playing the piano.  At 17 he found himself in a war fighting for his life and the lives of others.  It was something he never spoke about.   My heart went out to Jim, who also would have been in that war long before anyone knew or talked about PTSS (post traumatic stress symptom).  Putting a life back together after such a trauma would be a challenge for anyone.

I have also finally uploaded Catch: Photobook as best I can with my limited website skills. Enjoy.

Why have I posted a picture like this?  Not one of mine but it has caught the moment for me.

I have just started something very challenging and I hope it will change me.  At least not the inside me, but the outside me.  I have started ballet classes for the over 55’s.  The joy is that I have begun this with my sister.

Now my sister years ago was an actual real life ballet dancer and belonged to a company of dancers and wore tutus and stuff like that.  Me I have always enjoyed dancing and did ballet till I was about fourteen years old.

I have since learnt to do modern jive, a bit of swing, but I have longed for the barre and maybe even a tutu or two!

My first class was a delight and very very funny.  The words ‘fairy elephant’ came to mind.  We had to do something at the barre standing on one leg and sticking the other one out.  I couldn’t do it for the life of me, but I did laugh.  The thing I love about dancing is that it is such life-affirming fun.

We need to do things that are life-affirming, that are fun, that feed the soul, and dancing is one of those things for me.   I will look at this picture and yet I will not yearn – I will do. Perhaps not, perhaps never what I see in my imagination or like the lovely young woman pictured, but I won’t be standing on the sidelines, I will be dancing out loud.

Lately I have been struck when talking to friends, how few of them give any time for self-reflection.  To me it is invaluable tool as it allows me to think about what I have done in my work, my relationships, my social interaction and review its appropriateness and/or effectiveness and to bring challenge to myself.  I can question myself in a positive way and think about whether I should carry on or whether there is some check or balance I should bring.

I recently had a conversation with my sister and as I thought about it I wondered whether I had done something to upset her. I can do things unknowingly so I approached her and asked her the question. As it happened I hadn’t but was relieved that I didn’t have to live with a sense of disquiet any longer.

It is obviously important to think about the work we do. Can we do it better? Could/should I change something? Whatever the many roles we live whether at home or at work, reflection is such an important part of our learning.

A few years ago recognising that I was depressed I took time to reflect about all the changes that were occurring in my life and whether I needed change.  As often happens for me, someone gave me a book and that book helped me chart a course that took me eventually into studying for an MA in Screenwriting.

For me keeping a daily journal was incredibly helpful.  I do think creating something that externalises our self-reflection is important.  It allows us to look back on our journey and reflect on what we see.

Change can be so positive if we approach it well and give ourselves time to think. I have heard it said that to incorporate a complete sea-change in our lives takes about 7 years from inception to completion.

Reflective questions to ask ourselves:

• Strengths – What am I good at?  What can I do well?  We often can think of our weaknesses but struggle with our strengths.  How can I use these more?
• Weaknesses – What are my weaknesses? Would I like to strengthen some of them?
• Skills – What skills do I have and what am I good at? What do I love to do that I have set aside for different reasons?
• Difficulties – Are there any difficulties at work or at home that affect me? Do I feel overburdened, stressed, lacking space in my life?
• Successes – What are the markers in my life that I like and am proud of?
• Happiness – Are there things that I am unhappy with or disappointed about? What makes me happy? What brings me joy?
• Keys – as I look at the different areas of my life are there any keys I can identify that would enhance it?

Self-reflection can feel difficult, a waste of time especially if we are ‘doing’ people.  If it doesn’t come naturally to us then it might feel selfish or embarrassing.   But practice helps enormously and can allow us to gently bring positive change into our lives.

1. Be honest with ourselves.  We can express what we feel any way we wish. We will be  the only ones reading what we write or create.
2. Maybe decide to separate different areas of our life. Reflect on them individually so we have a plan during our time of reflection.
3. Do speak to others. If we discover things and are unsure what they mean do share with someone else. We are not meant to be alone trying to work things out.  The company of a friend or two on the journeys we take are invaluable.
4. Find a quiet place. Do have something to hand, ie a pen and paper, to map out  thoughts.
5. Do a breathing exercise. Inhale and exhale as many times as is comfortable. For every breath in, perhaps speak something out. It can be very helpful to speak out loud.
6. Pour out your emotions. Allow ourselves to cry if we need to. Write down our feelings.
7. There are so many truly helpful books to help us get perspective, understanding and self-revelation.
8. Focus at times on the difficult things.

• Focus on events that happened and everything around them. How did we feel about them? How did we react and why?
• Learn to understand all perspectives of the situation. Maybe we were irrational at first; maybe we were right in our actions.
• Let go of any negative feelings or grudges we still hold. Try and understand our misery or anger it will help us grow and develop as a person.
• Return to the present with a fresh sense of perspective

9. Practice thankfulness – having a thankful heart is wonderfully healing.
10. Do something – what have we seen and understood? Is there something positive that we need to do?  Be brave, be courageous.

As a God follower part of my self-reflection includes prayer, reading and meditation on the God who loves us beyond measure.

HOW TO BE CONTENT

I don’t know about you, but some days I wake up and the feeling about the day ahead is not good.  Okay some days are like that because you know it is set to be a difficult day.  However, other days my sense of self worth is at an all time low; I simply know I am useless;  my creativity has flown away again, somewhere up into the sky, like some demented falcon on weed threatening never to return. These thoughts are not fruitful.  I have certain things I do before I allow myself to think any further.

1. Exercise – preferably outdoors

I live near a park where I power-walk and jog.  I’m not good at this, however I do it.  I want my body to work.  Somebody said and I heard and remembered, “If I knew how long I was going to live I would’ve taken better care of myself”.  It resonated with me.  I am trying to take care of myself physically so that I have every chance of functioning well.  I like the green space, the birds, the squirrels, the sun beginning to rise at the end of the park illuminating the mist that carpets the ground, the still visible moon, the cold on my face, the nods from the regulars with their dogs. This is my patch, this is where I belong, I am rooted in something bigger than me.

2. Eat

Breakfast is an important meal for me.   I look forward to it.  I do my exercise with the knowledge that after the shower, the dressing, the make-up, that breakfast and real coffee will be the order of the day.  On a bad day I still refrain from thinking until I’ve eaten  because I know, I just know by the end of this routine, I will feel better.

3. Meditate

I like to read. I like to reflect.  I like to think about others and pray for them. It brings perspective and hope. I want to be a lover of others, a contributor to good, not a black hole desperate for others to fill it.

4. Work

I love to work whatever it might be that day. I love to try to be creative in all I do. I want to give the best that I can give.  I wish often that I could give more, but I have finally come to terms with the fact I can only give what I can.  I can be no more than myself.

5. Love

This is what reflection brings me, the knowledge that it is a privilege to have others to love. I think we were all born to love, but it gets mixed up with filling up ourselves rather than realizing it is in giving ourselves away that then we will receive so much.  I know that sometimes I want too much just for me, and I fail to remember that loving others is that which ultimately fulfills and brings contentment.

We are not made to be alone, we are creatures of community and if we find ourselves simply wanting to fill ourselves up, without thought of others, we will ultimately find ourselves alone.

WHOM DO WE TOUCH?

Whom do we touch?

Who touches us?

My mother-in-law is called Joyce.  She died on Boxing Day this year.  I’m ashamed to say that if you had asked me to describe her life in one word, I would have said it was  ‘little’.   She lived in Bradford all her life and hardly travelled.  She never learnt to drive, never wrestled with a computer, failed to master the mobile phone.

Yet she was the only one in her family to continue her education beyond school.  She went to Cheltenham to study to become a primary school teacher and she loved it.

She also loved Albert.

She first saw Albert when he was a young man with a collection plate in Bradford Cathedral.  She saw him and his huge grin and decided that she was going to marry him.

She did. They waited until he had finished his theological training to become a vicar and then they married.  It poured with rain, but their wedding picture is one of the happiest I have ever seen.  Their joy was obvious and to be shared with all.

Nine months later she gave birth to Stephen, my husband and three years later David.

Nearly seven years after they married he was dead.  Killed by a drunk driver. So her life changed forever as did that of my husband’s and his brother.  She went back to work and taught until retirement.  A lovely Christian lady who adored the multi-cultural, multi-faith children that she taught accepting each and every one as she found them.

She is remembered by many.

At the celebration of her life I was shocked to see by how many.  She was 80 years old when she died and some of her contemporaries were there to remember her with affection.  But there were others from all walks of life:  her hairdresser, several clerics whose vision for their path came from her faith, school colleagues, and her grandchildren who spoke so well of her kindness and generosity.

No life is small.

Our lives touch many lives and yet often that can be unthinking, uncaring, unloving.  It has made me stop and re-evaluate every interaction.

Acceptance, love, joy, interest, laughter, value these are things I would want to catch, but also to give away.